By Domina 1581 views
I would like to preface this by saying that this is my experience of what it is like to be a Sadist and although aspects of this will apply to others, Sadists, like any other individuals differ in personalities and so I do not speak for other Sadists nor do they speak for me.
A person who derives pleasure, especially sexual gratification, from inflicting pain or humiliation on others.
Looking back, I believe I’ve always been a Sadist. In early childhood, I can remember playing with my toys, barbies, Polly Pockets, teddies etc and the thing I enjoyed playing with the most was making them suffer. Whether there was a bully present or some kind of environmental disaster, the emotions I imagined my toys felt were always along the lines of panic, fear, pain and despair and it delighted me.
As a teenager I found myself responding to horror films in a way different to the people around me. I would often experience the same emotions as them: fear, adrenaline, and disgust at the gore but there was something else there too, arousal. Arousal, curiosity and confusion. Confused as to why I was experiencing these emotions, what was wrong with me? Did this make me evil? It’s now clear to me that what I am is a Sadist, but I didn’t know it then.
I was around 18 when, through my love of history and torture, I discovered the Marquis de Sade and others like him. I threw myself into learning everything I could about people like me and from there was transported back to the modern times where I found the world of BDSM and all of the delicious kinks, paraphilias, fetishes and fantasies there are to explore. I learnt so much about myself in the process and I am still learning now.
The definition of Sadism very clearly applies to me. It is blunt and will perhaps shock people or cause some disapproving tuts but I enjoy suffering. This can take many forms, physical pain, humiliation, degradation etc.
On their part what excites me is the suffering, the twisting, writhing body, the groans of pain and despair, the begging, the pleading, the spectrum of noises from soft whimpering to guttural screams.
On my part, it is the control, the cruelty and the sheer depravity. All of this manifests itself across multiple and diverse fetishes and acts of play, to name foot fetishism, trampling, sissyfication, cuckholding, CBT and more extreme types of play would be to give only a few small examples. What it manifests as doesn’t matter, it’s the service and the suffering or possibility thereof that excites me.
Believe it or not, this part of myself is still, to this day, difficult to accept. I often feel like Jekyll and Hyde and I do my utmost to keep Hyde hidden. I have been with my partner for over 13 years now and there are still parts of myself I am only just sharing, and parts still I keep hidden.
Finding others who are like me or the masochists who love us helps tremendously. It also helps that I can find places that are much more understanding than the rest of the world, such as this site, and this community. I believe the reason I often feel the need to hide it is because like most things that are different, Sadism, when people can bear to discuss it, is often held up to scrutiny and judgment and is shrouded in so many misconceptions.
I love Criminal Minds, God knows I do. But the show and many like it, in my opinion, have convinced many people that Sadism and criminality are one and the same. That Sadists are these ruthless individuals who prey on innocent people in order to inflict absolute horror. And I guess for some Sadists that is true. However, that is such a tiny percentage compared to the rest of us out there.
I do not lurk in doorways, it’s rude (I said that in Ursula’s voice), I do not take pleasure in hearing about or seeing the suffering of an innocent person in real-life who is not consenting. I am not mysterious (I wish that I was), and I am not stand-offish (okay some people have said that I can be).
I’m actually a really nice person. I love helping people and spending time with my family, I have centered my career and studies around supporting others, I even volunteered with hedgehogs.
I also do not look like a Sadist, that is to say, misplaced notions of what one may look like. I like my food so I’m a chunky lass, I don’t wear all black and live in latex and leather (though I do love all of that), you are much more likely to find me wearing lounge pants and the boyfriend’s t-shirt. I have a high-girly voice which makes me sound much younger than I am, and I laugh (according to my boyfriend) like a Honda 90.
I’m also not limited to my Sadism sexually. I enjoy being a soft Domme sometimes, I enjoy what people in the BDSM community refer to as vanilla sex and I even enjoy submitting sometimes but only to Alpha. Sadism is just one part of who I am.
I hope you’ve enjoyed my blog post, it’s the first one I have done so I’m not 100% sure how to write these things. I hope, if, anything you can take from this is that not all Sadists are the same and that Sadism is just part of who I am. Just remember, we are not all evil and creepy.
I’m just your friendly, neighborhood Sadist (okay that was a little creepy).
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